Snow

1st August

I wake up every day and wish I was happy. Its safe to say that this time round the Citalopram isn’t quite as effective as it was the first. At least that’s another a solution to a problem that doesn’t quite work.

Not that I help myself particularly. I’ve spoken before about how I don’t go on holiday, this year is no different. I find myself home alone for the next two weeks. I haven’t been on holiday with my parents since I was 17. Lugging myself round Europe in a camper van with them is a little bit claustrophobic. Normally by this time of year I’ve got a summer fling to distract myself with. I’m normally taking full advantage of my free house and memory foam mattress. This year though is very different, although I’ve tried my best to break my summer of celibacy it’s not exactly working. It doesn’t help that Netflix has released some crackers recently and I’m more invested in binge watching than making small talk with a boring geography graduate.

Even the dogs managed to go on holiday this year, leaving me truly alone. I didn’t realise how lonely it’ll be. Tomorrow is my day off, somehow I doubt that I’ll speak to anyone. This isn’t the first time I’ve lived on my own. For the last bit of the winter I lived by myself. I really enjoyed it. My own space, my own food, my own terms. But I also had people all around me. People I enjoyed spending time with just two doors down. Theres a big difference between being in a house on your own and a flat in a block of friends by yourself.

I’m finding it really hard to make friends this summer. My old school friends are all in semi-permeant relationships. I struggle with most of my colleagues, they’re not bad people and can be fairly amusing to work with but I doubt I’ll make the effort to stay in touch. There are various old work colleagues and childhood friends that suggest trips to the pub or coffee. I can’t really face it. I don’t want to have to explain my life choices to them anymore. There was one school friend (never worked a day in his life) who told me I could work as his secretary after he finishes his masters and starts his million pound job (that doesn’t exist). I nearly hit him.

I’m really missing snow.

All the netflix shows that I’m more committed to than human relationships show characters in friendship groups. People need people. I find it so hard. I spend my whole day talking to fake boring people the last thing I want to do is go and sell myself to more fake boring people, therefore making myself fake and boring.

For me, snow is friends, and although next season will be new people and I’ll be even further away from that influx of 18/19 year olds on their first season. It’ll be nice to have people around with common ground. There will be old faces as well, I’m sure.