Scared

22nd August

I’m really scared. Really really scared.

I don’t know if I’m unwell or if I’ll always be like this. They say there’s no such thing as normal but who’d have thought being crazy would be so torturous.

2nd of September is when I have the psychiatrists appointment. Who knows what he’ll come out with. In some ways I hope its something, in other ways not. If I have a label then at least I won’t know that I’m not just a self-absorbed narcissist who’s made this all up to make herself interesting. But if this is a real thing, not just a phase of depression or growing pains then will I have to live like this for the rest of my life.

If I have to live like this for the rest of my life do I want the rest of my life to be any longer.

I’ve never been an easy person to be around, all my life my mothers called me difficult. While I’m fully aware that my family love me, I can’t help feel that they would’ve preferred a slightly less high maintenance daughter. The sort that went quietly off to university rather than the one they found crying on the kitchen floor in her dressing gown at 8:30 in the morning. Everyone tried to be both sympathetic and get on with their morning routine.

As for friendships, I try not to communicate too much with them, if they decide they don’t need me in their life and drift away I can’t blame them. The series of “weird” behaviour I’ve displayed since my early teens would be enough to send anyone running.

The biggest thing is that I don’t want to be a burden. It’s not fair on anyone else. This is something of mine that is mine alone and theres no reason why anyone else should have to deal with my rollercoasters. I think that’s why I don’t pursue romantic relationships, it’s not fair. So many years of one night stands telling me that I’m lucky they tolerate me, kind of makes sense. I don’t believe love is unconditional.

Regardless, my life is on the brink of changing forever, which ever way that may be. An old one night stand recently got back in touch, he’s one of the only people that I know who is on a similar wave length to me. After having a relatively honest conversation he told me that killing yourself is “cheating and not fair”. I suppose those are words to live by.