Tomorrow

I got lost on the way home today. I drive the same route every day after work to the horse and back. I know it very well. I’ve been doing it for the last two summers I’ve been at home. But I got lost today. It was only when I saw signs for stoke mandeville hospital I realised that I wasn’t where I thought I was. I don’t remember any of the journey before that. I remember leaving the horse and then the next thing I knew I was seeing signs to a hospital. Apparently you can go to A&E if you’re suffering a mental health problem. They’ll probably section you.

I’m still not sleeping properly. Last night I ducked out of a wedding reception to try and get some sleep. I’d been on my feet all day in a busy food truck all day and hoped that the physical exhaustion would send me to sleep before my mind stopped me. It didn’t. I found myself driving around at 11pm, I don’t remember making that decision but it cleared my head a bit.

When I have been sleeping its been deep and disturbing. Not dreams as such, just waking up feeling horribly uncomfortable. It’s difficult to explain. Through out the day the same feeling revisits me throughout the day. Its really scary.

Sitting downstairs watching telly with my parents, half watching half chatting when the feeling thats been haunting me all day returned, I tried to use the telly to distract myself. It was an advert. It just said

“Suicide, 14th September”

Thats really really scary. Like something out of a horror movie.

I think its all just stressed. I’m really really tired. I hate my job, incredibly frustrated by the lack of professional management and trying to distract myself with another job in a food truck. Which is just exhausting me more. Kind of spiralling down a bit. Tomorrows D-day. Psychologist day. And fuck me it can’t come any quicker.