I am 22 years old and I am writing this from a private psychiatric hospital in the middle of London. 

There are many elements that contribute to the state of my mental health. It’s the age old concept of nature and nurture. But there is a common theme that I keep finding myself and others going back to in the repetitive and constant courses of therapy that I find myself in. At the age of 11, I went to a big private all-girls school. I didn’t pass the 11+, some see this as surprising as I am the daughter of a teacher. Some might think that it’s not surprising seeing as the 11+ eight years ago was a paper made up of bizarre verbal reasoning questions that didn’t seem to apply to any real life situations. 

 Due to my early life failure at the age of 10 I wasn’t eligible for the local grammar schools, with a parent that worked in the education sector and the other in a successful city job they made the decision to send me to the private school. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that I also wanted to go. From the outside it was a shiny new school, where all the girls were perfect, blonde, well-rounded individuals who played sports at the weekends and achieved academically during the week. There were amazing facilities, a house system which seemed to solve the pastoral problem and a record number of A*s at GCSE and Oxbridge candidates. 

After getting through the entrance exams, a day of 11+ type papers, I found myself in the deep end at an extremely competitive and highly intense environment. I remember little to no sympathy for the fact that we were just 11/12 year olds straight out of primary school. There was an expectation that we would work hard, do our hour and a half of homework a night, read around the subject and spend our spare time competing in Lacrosse, so that the school could retain the national title for U12 Lacrosse. Lessons were constant berratings by different teachers, all insisting that their subject was the most important. 

Life continued like that for the next 6 years of my life, intense days of school from 8:30 until 4:30 with compulsory ‘voluntary’ clubs at lunch time. I achieved  what the school claims that it can get for you. I have an amazing set of GCSEs and an equally good set of A-Levels, but being in that environment for my formative teenage years was detrimental. 

The single sex education delayed my ability to mature emotionally. Being starved of the male part of the society only intensified the bizarre environment that independent schools nurture. With boys becoming mythical creatures, we only had what the environment told us boys would like. It was never mentioned that anything else apart from hetrosexual love could exist. There was very much a culture of fitting into the private school mould, or how else will you get into university and meet a rich man who can care for you for the rest of you life? Intelligent pretty girls, got intelligent pretty husbands, who made lots of money so you could have bread intelligent pretty children to go to private school. Writing it down makes it feel almost eugenics like. I didn’t wear a pair of trousers for the full 7 years I spent at the school. There simply wasn’t the options. I had a talent for design and would have  loved the opportunity to do resistant materials and woodwork. But that’s not a girls place. All a very outdated way of thinking, but it’s worked for the last 200 years, why not now? 

When I got to sixth form all of a sudden boys and girls where in same classes. Having had the last 5 years being conditioned into what boys wanted, it was bizarre to now share a space with them and interact with them daily. The boys had also spent 5 years in a similar environment, with the pressure and the expectations. But that was also 5 years of built up male testosterone but none of the social skills to go with it. They behaved appalling. There were numerous cases of unwanted sexaul behaviour from the boys to girls. But they were never told off, girls would either be reprimanded for wearing a black t-shirt bra underneath a white school shirt or the phrase “boys will be boys” was used as an excuse. This is unbelievable in a time some would call a “gender revolution”. 

In highsight I suffered a nearly manic episode during my last years of A-levels. Being at school for the full day and then spending 3 hours a night doing maths homework over and over and over again. The pressure to be perfect was unbearable. I worked at weekends, never having a day off. There had to be value in everything I did, or what else could I put on my UCAS personal statement?  Reflecting and writing this down it all seems very unhealthy, but at the time it was considered a work ethic. There was competition amongst girls to see who could maintain the best social life and work the hardest. Who could be the one that all the boys fancied and still had the brains to back it up. The phrase “well-rounded individual” was thrown around almost every day of my education. The only thing that it taught me was how to be high-functioning with a mental health problem. 

Being an inpatient at a psychiatric ward, being surrounded by other individuals suffering with all sorts of mental health problems, being in numerous groups where all aspects of life are discussed its alarming the number of people from all different backgrounds and ages that talk about similar experiences. Highly intensity private school experiences in the twee middle class Britain. There are people here who are supposed to be doing their A-levels but  find themselves under section because they’d rather die than achieve the lofty heights that schools expect from them. There are people here who left school 15-20 years ago who still speak of the horrors and tourture that their education put them through. There are also people who have fond memories of their schools. Although, in my experience, they are few and far between. 

I only left school 4 years ago. I can’t imagine the pressure that’s put on girls now with Instagram. But I don’t think that’s the only factor in the environment that these kids are growing up with now. The fact that there is such a varied amount of people here of all ages and nationalities that have a similar story shows that today’s society isn’t only to blame. 

There are teenagers in here who are supposed to be taking their A-levels and enjoying being of drinking age but are instead crumbling under the pressure that schools put on them. The fact that this hospital has an overflow ward that fills up at the beginning of the school year and during exam season shows that this is a long standing epidemic. 

Mental health is becoming less stigmatised, anxiety and depression is talked about more freely.  We need to take some serious actions to support the children going through the private education system now. At no point should their grades contribute to their sense of self. What does it matter if they miss one piece of homework? Why does it matter if they didn’t go to uni? Why is there this expectation that the outside world won’t accept anything less than perfect?  Why is there no value in vocational skills? Why aren’t we all allowed to have one element in our life that makes us happy, regardless of achievement, race, height, weight etc etc? Why aren’t we valuable unless we achieve? 

I write this for all the parents and kids that are considering an elite private school. Please ignore the glitz and glam that private schools use to get you in. Their facilities are amazing and it’s easy to be dazzled by the number of students who get into Russell Group universities, but ask yourself at what cost? Although independent schools are registered charities, they are definitely for-profit organisations. My experience is that you, or your child is just a number. These old-fashioned institutions do not necessarily have you or your child’s best interests at heart. Reputation and image is a lot more important to them. 

I have no solution for this problem, just a story of warning. I remember an article coming out about the school being sued for being the root of anxiety and depression for an ex-student. The case was dropped because the person suing was told it would cause more harm to his mental health then good. While I’m not going to sue the school, I feel that I am not the only one with a story like this. There needs to be a change to the private educational system, more value put on a sense of self, and ultimately time for these age old institutions to acknowledge that the system that might have worked in the past may not anymore.